I’m not gonna lie. By the time you make it to the end of this TL;DR screed, you’ll be calling me cheugy. But IMHO, collectively, we’re suffering from a vocabulary deficit.
Since a new year calls for new things, or conversely, putting away old things, let’s retire some nonsense language.
I mean, thirst trap. Really?
OG thirst trap.
When did we lose the ability to describe things plainly? If someone is attractive or sexy, why can’t we just say they’re attractive or sexy?
And anyway, do we really need to see more images of Martha Stewart–or any other celebrity for that matter–scrunching lips at their phone’s camera? That’s the opposite of thirst trap. Water intoxication, maybe.
Overused AF
But this is all beside the point. Everything, EVERYTHING has to be over the top now. Over the top and overly profane. LMAO isn’t good enough to describe a reaction. It has to be LMFAO. Something can’t be merely funny. It has to be funny AF.
My personal favorite is the oft-used exclamation: “What the actual f**k!” The word actual in there does a lot of heavy linguistic lifting. JK. It actually does literally nothing.
The mighty “F” is the new everything-modifier. I partially blame Netflix for that. They’ve made a fortune producing movies and series where every other line of dialogue has an F-word derivative. They should consider rebranding it, Netf*x. Or just, “X.” No, wait, that one’s taken.
Congrats, everyone, F has gone mainstream. It’s so overused it no longer shocks.
My dad always told me that people who use swear words all the time do so because they have a tiny vocabulary. Hollywood writers … that true? Maybe on the picket line last year you were able to brush up on the dictionary a bit?
Someday I’d like to get a look at a movie or streaming series script and delete all the gratuitous four-letter words. My guess is after the red ink slashes, a 49-minute episode shrinks down to 30.
Little Einsteins
We’re caught in a race to the absurd the moment we open our phones and start scrolling. Seriously, how can so many things be pure genius? Try this genius move, or simply utter this genius phrase. Or do this genius hack. Who knew our lives were just a “hack” away from being perfect?
If everything is “genius,” then nothing is.
BTW, I’m old enough to remember when “hack” referred to a lazy writer–typically a journalist. Now, hack means shortcut. That’s what everyone wants. A shortcut. Shortcut to life. Shortcut to vocabulary. Everyone wants to hop the express train.
It sounds so simple. Just “do this one thing” or say these incredible “three words.” Like magic, here is the jujitsu to land you the perfect job, parent the perfect kids, attract the perfect mate. Come to think of it, just about every clickbait promises to “hack” your life with some kind of instant gratification.
Reuse that tissue box when it’s empty by putting a roll of toilet paper in it! Thumbs up! Done! Life hack for the ages!
Is there a hack to writing the next great American novel? If there is, submit please in the comments.
Honesty: such a lonely word
Lastly, a word about being truthful. So many people are prefacing what they say with, “I’m not gonna lie (NGL)” or “If I’m being honest …”
It reminds me of another verbal tic that caught on several years ago: “Sort of.” Everything was “sort of.” It’s a hedge phrase. It means you can get away with saying something that sounds definitive but actually isn’t. You still hear it a lot among political commentators, which, if I’m being honest, makes sense (for them).
Even better is taking out the “being” and simply saying: “If I’m honest …” Now, not only are you raising doubts about whether you are, in reality, an honest person, you’re about to say something that, perhaps, if you were honest, you might actually say. Wrap your head around that. I can’t even.
Are we so used to lying and distorting the truth that we need to warn people in advance that this time we ain’t lying? Like, “Listen up, bruh, I’m about to say something truthful.” Because it’s that unusual? It’s probably why it’s now trendy to conclude a statement with: “Facts.”
Mood
I could go on (don’t get me started on nom nom, and woot woot), but I won’t won’t.
Besides, at this point you’re probably doing a facepalm and saying: “Okay, Boomer.”
To that I reply, “You don’t have to stan me to understand me.” But couldn’t we … sort of … occasionally … ditch the basic and use some SAT words?
Nah.
I feel ya. Ain’t gonna happen. Not online and not IRL. We’re caught in a trap. We can’t scroll out. Because we love it too much, baby.
*Periodt*